


bad religion

by outdated



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Bucky Barnes-centric, Captain America: Civil War, Captain America: The First Avenger, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Happy Ending, Jewish Bucky Barnes, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Rewrite, Unrequited Love, and read it once, but i literally dont shut the fuck up, but overall im kinda proud of this fic and like it, but some are from my own brain, but the parts i thought were bad werent THAT bad so i decided to keep going and make some tweaks, content warnings in the beginning notes, i kinda went off the rails in the middle of writing this an almost scrapped it, i ran it through grammarly, if i read it anymore jenny slate voice i would go crazy, ish, so its almost 12k lmao, some scenes are stolen, this is more of a bucky fic than a stuck fic, very minimal editing, when i first started this i intended for it to be 6-8k words, you cant miss them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-21
Updated: 2019-06-21
Packaged: 2020-05-13 20:47:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19258900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/outdated/pseuds/outdated
Summary: the life of bucky barnes, in a different perspective





	bad religion

**Author's Note:**

> listen. LISTEN. i know the stucky fandom is insufferable and very Bad and that its very 2014 of me but i HAD to do this. i HAD to. stevebucky is objectively GOOD and i LIKE it and stevebucky made some points and i dont know why i felt the need to put something bittersweet when the potential for tenderness is so high. this isnt really even a stucky fic but i felt i had to defend myself anyway. i have to say i enjoyed writing this and got it done in six days lmao
> 
> inspiration from [this](https://thortiddies.tumblr.com/post/185568708170/i-can-never-make-him-love-me-never-make-him-love) post xoxo
> 
> title from frank oceans "bad religion"
> 
> !!CONTENT WARNINGS BY SECTION!!
> 
> 1938 - internalized homophobia; discussion of a murdered gay man  
> 1943 - internalized homophobia; vague discussion of past torture; character displays minor symptoms of PTSD  
> 1945 - character displays minor symptoms of PTSD; violence; character death  
> 1995 - character objectifies themselves; references to inhuman treatment and brainwashing  
> 2014 - violence  
> 2016 - references to violence  
> 2018 - character death  
> 2023 - nothing  
> 2024 - nothing  
>   
> let me know if i should add other warnings  
>   
> also!!! as another note i am not jewish so i tried not to go into much detail about jewish life and culture and i did research whatever i needed to but please let me know if something should be changed!!
> 
> anyway that was long enough, enjoy!!

**1938**

 

Bucky knew arguing with Steve never really got him anywhere. Though they weren't really arguing, Bucky was just trying to convince him to do something he didn't want to do. It was almost worse than arguing with him.

“Come on,” he said, “You can put the couch cushions on the floor like when we were kids. It'll be fun, all you gotta do is shine my shoes, maybe take out the trash.”

Steve was fiddling with his pockets with increased urgency. He couldn't find the key to his apartment, he lost it all the time. Bucky had taken to hiding a spare outside. He kicked a brick to the side and picked the key up, then handed it to Steve. God, Steve’s stubbornness was unbearable at times. Bucky only wanted to help. He knew life was hard for Steve and that he had armor made of steel to get through it, but sometimes Bucky wished he would abandon that armor and let him help. Just take care of him so he didn't have to be so tough. But he knew that was who Steve was and he couldn't take that away from him. Besides, his stubbornness grew from good intentions and that made it just a little more endearing.

“Thank you, Buck,” Steve said finally and looked up at him, “But I can get by on my own.”

“The thing is, you don't have to.” There were a million things Bucky wanted to say. Steve didn't understand that Bucky _needed_ to make sure that Steve was okay and that he stuck around for a long time. He cared about him so deeply and he didn't know what to call it. Steve was his best friend and he was scared of what would happen if he thought about challenging their dynamic, one that's been built up since they were little kids. Scared of what he knew he felt but couldn't acknowledge. There was so much he wanted to say: _because I want you to be safe, because I want to take care of you, because I care about you, because I love you._ But instead, he settled for “I’m with you ‘til the end of the line,” and to cement it was because they were friends, he tacked on, “pal.”

Steve shook his head and smiled.

In the end, Steve caved for once in his life and moved in with Bucky. It took another three weeks of wearing Steve down and him having an asthma attack alone in his apartment for him to agree. He only did it on the condition that they split the rent evenly. Naturally, Bucky lied about how much it was and Steve ended up only paying a third of the rent while Bucky paid the rest. He let Steve pay for the groceries and some of the bills because it was hard paying for the lives of two people rather than just himself, he’d never admit that to Steve though.

He was walking home from work late at night. He had to pick up more hours at work since Steve was sick with the flu as he was every year and wasn't able to work for most of the winter. The Depression made it hard to find work, but being sick on top of it made it even harder.

He stopped for a smoke in an alleyway since he couldn't smoke around Steve. They didn't have a lot of extra spending money, but sometimes Bucky would let himself splurge on a pack of cigarettes if he was really missing them. He stood for a few minutes and when he was about to go on with his walk home, he heard sirens and a police car stopped across the street, along with a city truck. He stayed and watched, though he wished he didn't. The police disappeared into the alley across the street and reemerged a little while later with a body on a stretcher. The man was clearly dead and left there for a few days. Bucky could see it was Charles Wilson and he felt a bit sick.

Everyone in the neighborhood had turned on him when the police had raided a secret gay bar and arrested him. He bailed himself out and didn't serve any real jail time because he was one of the few people around that had money but no one looked at him the same. He lost his job and became a hermit. Whenever someone did see him come out of his home he got knocked around and called the newest slur someone had come up with that month. Bucky knew it was only a matter of time until he was dead in an alley but that didn't make it any less terrifying when he was actually confronted with it.

He scurried away and took the shortcut back to his place. He closed the door behind him and took a deep breath. He felt like he couldn't breathe the whole run home. “Steve,” he said and went over to him, thankful he was still laying there even if he was sicker than a dog. “You okay?”

“I should be asking you that,” Steve said. He struggled to sit up and looked at Bucky. “You look a little green.”

Bucky waved his hand. “It's nothing, just worried about you.”

Steve groaned. “I’m fine, for the ten millionth time,” he chuckled and it turned into a dreadful cough.

Bucky went over to him to rub Steve’s back and hold his hand while he worked through his coughing fit. Bucky couldn't really afford to get sick as well, but he would do anything if it meant Steve would be a little more comfortable. For a horrible few seconds, Bucky pictured Steve leaning back in his arms and kissing him, telling him how much he loved him and holding him until he wasn't sick anymore. And then he let go of Steve like he was on fire. He was afraid and ashamed that he had thought of doing the thing that had gotten a man murdered just a few days ago. He saw himself dead in an alleyway, left there to rot until someone complained of the smell and didn't care that he was dead because it was ‘one less queer in the world’ just as they would likely say about Charles. He could never let Steve know how he felt. Steve wasn't like the rest and he would never do anything to hurt Bucky, hell, he might still be his friend if he told him he was gay but he would never tell anyone that, not even Steve. And telling him he was absolutely in love with him was even further down the list of things he would tell Steve.

“I know you don't want to get sick but don't seem so grossed out,” Steve said when he stopped coughing.

“Sorry,” Bucky said automatically and put a smile on his face. “Just need to stay healthy so I can take care of your sick ass. I’ll make some soup.”

Steve only nodded and closed his eyes, completely unaware of Bucky’s thoughts even though Bucky would continue to worry Steve could read his mind and find out all his secrets.

Bucky made the soup and tried to ignore and push away the bad thoughts. Maybe he would go to the Synagogue tomorrow, take his mind off things.

 

**1943**

 

“Sometimes I think you like getting punched,” Bucky said. It wasn't the first time he had to break up a fight between Steve and someone he ticked off, but he always hoped it was the last.

Whenever he heard a fight going on in an alleyway he knew Steve had to be involved.

“I had him on the ropes,” Steve said. That's what he always said, but Bucky would never tell him that it was always a lie.

He changed the subject instead. “How many times is this?” he asks as he looks at his newest application to join the military. “Oh, you’re from Paramus now. You know it’s illegal to lie on the enlistment form. And seriously, New Jersey?”

Steve finally stopped trying to get all the garbage and blood off of him and finally looked at Bucky. He looked him up and down and furrowed his brows. “You get the orders?”

“The 107th,” he said, “Sergeant James Barnes shipping out for England first thing tomorrow.” Bucky didn't actually want to join the war. Sure, he wanted to fight for his people, but he also didn't want to see the reality of what was happening to them. He didn't want to leave Steve alone, but he had to pay the bills somehow. Work was getting better, but it wasn't the same. He really didn't want Steve to keep trying to enlist. Part of him knew that Steve would get rejected each time, but he was still terrified he would get word that Steve was accepted and killed in action. He was an easy target and a walking hazard. He was scared he would never see Steve again.

“I should get going.”

Bucky pushed his thoughts away and smiled, swinging his arm around Steve and walking him out of the alleyway. “Come on, man. It's my last night. Gotta get you cleaned up.”

“Why? Where we goin’?”

“The future.” He shoved a newspaper in his hand and led him down the street.

Later that night he was walking to the Stark Expo with Steve in tow. “I don't know what the problem is. You're about to be the last eligible man in New York. You know there are three and a half million women here?”

“Well, I’d settle for just one.”

“Good thing I took care of that.” Bucky waved at the girls he had met a few days ago and invited to the event to leave on a very heterosexual note. Maybe take his mind off somethings. He found himself doing that a lot.

Steve looked almost betrayed. “What’d you tell them about me?”

Bucky chuckled, “Only the good stuff.” Which was everything in Bucky’s eyes, but he didn't say that.

Bucky paid attention to the show and not the girls hanging off his arm. He felt guilty, making it seem like he was interested in them when he wasn't. They were nice, but he was leaving in twelve hours and he was only going to use them for a night. Maybe it would be good to find a nice, low maintenance girl who he would marry and have kids with and he could forget the silly crush on Steve. But he couldn't do that the night before he was leaving for another continent and deep down he knew it wasn't a crush, he was in love and he couldn't do anything about it.

Though as soon as he convinced himself he would try to have a good time he was back to thinking about Steve. “Hey Steve, why don't you say we treat these girls…” and he trailed off when he turned and saw that Steve was gone. So he had to abandon the attempt at forgetting about Steve for one night and had to leave the girls all alone to go and find Steve.

Of course, he found him in a recruitment center. He shoved him off the display he was on, “Come on, you're kinda missing the point of a double date. We’re going to take the girls dancing.”

“You go ahead, I’ll catch up.”

But Bucky knew Steve too well. He wasn't going to catch up. He was going to stay here and try to enlist again. “You really gonna do this again?”

“Well it's a fair, I’m gonna try my luck.”

“As who? Steve from Ohio? They’ll catch your horse, they’ll actually take you.”

“Look I know you don't think I can do this but-”

“This isn't a back alley Steve!” Bucky said, louder now as he was getting frustrated. Steve was going to get himself killed. “It’s war.”

“I know it's a war, I can-”

Bucky cut him off again. “Why are you so keen to fight? There are so many important jobs.”

“What do you want me to do? Collect scraps-”

“Yes!”

“-in my little red wagon.

“Why not?”

“I’m not gonna sit in a factory, Bucky. Bucky!” Steve seemed genuinely annoyed so Bucky decided to hear him out. “Come on there are men laying down their lives. I got no right to do any less than them. That's what you don't understand. This isn't about me.”

“Right, ‘cause you got nothing to prove.” Maybe he was being harsh, and he didn't want to leave having been mad and rude to Steve, but the one thing he was not going to let him do was be reckless and get himself killed in a war he shouldn't be a part of.

Steve’s expression hardened and he didn't say anything. He was angry.

“Hey Sarge, we going dancing?”

Bucky closed his eyes and sighed. Then he turned around and smiled. “Yes we are!” He turned back to Steve. “Don't do anything stupid until I get back.”

“How can I? You're taking all the stupid with you.”

Bucky smiled and walked back over to him. He fell into Steve, they fit against each other perfectly and Bucky couldn't help but think Steve was made for him. “You're a punk,” he said and hugged him tightly. He didn't want to think that this was the last time he would see Steve, but he wanted this moment in case it was.

“Jerk,” Steve said as he hugged him back. “Be careful.” There was a short pause and Bucky began to walk away. “Don't win the war ‘til I get there!”

Bucky turned and saluted Steve. Bucky left feeling dirty, like he needed to stand in a hot shower for an hour and then scrub his skin raw. He knew he wasn't supposed to love Steve the way he did. He shouldn't feel the tug in his heart that told him not to go and run back to Steve so he could take care of him. His feelings were wrong and he couldn't do anything or tell anyone about it. But he was stuck in this life and so he tried to accept it and he went back to the girls to drown his sorrows in for the night.

Bucky wasn't careful enough and he and his unit had gotten captured. This wasn't the Nazi’s, Bucky realized, and he was almost relieved by that. But he soon realized he wasn't lucky and was in for far worse than what the Nazi’s had to offer when he was dragged off to be tortured and experimented on.

He didn't remember much of it, just that it was bad and it hurt. He didn't know how long he had been a science experiment, but when they moved him to a regular room, he just mumbled whatever words they had been drilling into his head because he couldn't do anything else.

“Bucky.”

And he was snapped out of it. He hadn't heard that name in months. He didn't really know what was going on but he heard a mumbled ‘oh my god’ above him and that voice sounded familiar. The straps that held him to the bed were ripped off but he still couldn't move.

“It's me,” someone said. “It's Steve.”

“Steve,” he smiled wide. It was Steve! And suddenly strong arms were pulling him from the bed and forcing him to stand.

Steve held his head in his hands and looked over his face. “I thought you were dead.”

“I thought you were smaller.” Steve turned away and Bucky couldn't really lift his arms to pull him back. He had been so used to taking care of Steve, but now he just wanted Steve to hold him and fix whatever these people had done to him. He really wanted to just fall to the floor and sleep, but Steve was pulling him back up and half dragging, half leading him out of the room and down the hallway.

When reality sort of hit him and he realized the guy who was half his size the last time he saw him was carrying him and was now much bigger than him, he asked, “What happened to you?”

“I joined the army,” Steve said like it was obvious. And maybe it was, Bucky had left Steve at a recruitment center outside a high budget science fair.

“Did it hurt?” Steve had let go of Bucky to walk on his own, and he did so with difficulty. Even though he had been tortured for who knows how long, he still had to worry about Steve.

“A little,” Steve said, again like it was nothing.

“Is it permanent?”

“So far.”

And before Bucky could think about how he felt about that, the building was exploding. He was slower than Steve now, which he wasn't used to but he trusted and followed him. They got up to a bridge, where they were met by two faces Bucky could never forget. Steve and Schmidt were talking, and then fighting, that much Bucky could register, but he stared into the face of Dr. Arnim Zola, whose face he saw when he was screaming and having things jabbed into him and cruel words spit in his face.

God, he couldn't break down now. And lucky for him he didn't have time to as Steve and Schmidt finished their pissing contest and he and Zola ran away and then Steve was yelling at him to go up more stairs. In a whirlwind he was going across a fiery chasm, being reunited with his unit, walking back to base, being cheered for upon arrival, and getting the medical care he needed. Though one thing stayed constant, and that was the worry he felt now that Steve had the weight of being the Allies Super Soldier and the knowledge that this wasn't some torture-induced dream, it was reality.

“Hey!” he shouted, “Let's hear it for Captain America!” And every person on that base cheered for Steve Rogers. Bucky smiled for a second, but it was wiped off his face when his best friend was getting a standing ovation at the cost of his biggest fear coming true. He would almost rather be dead than have Steve be here, even if he was a superhuman now. He wanted Steve back in New York where he was safe and not putting his life on the line for others. He wished he hadn't left Steve alone in that recruitment center and had dragged his ass home instead. He wished he hadn't enlisted in the first place and given Steve an excuse to keep trying. He wished Steve had given up on being a soldier. Bucky realized he was in too deep, and that was still as terrifying as it was back in New York.

 

**1945**

 

Bucky was cleared to fight shortly after being benched because the war effort couldn't afford to lose a soldier just because he was a little tortured and a little traumatized. So Bucky fought alongside Steve and the team he put together. The Howling Commandos were hand picked by Steve and they carried out the missions no one else was willing to do.

That was why he found himself standing on a freezing cold mountain waiting to zipline into a train to take down Dr. Zola. Bucky didn't really want to see him again, but it was a bit better when he remembered that it would be him standing over the doctor instead of it being the other way around.

They got confirmation that the doctor was on the train and once they could see it approaching, he and Steve were riding down and inside the train. His heart raced, but he was willing to run into death’s jaws if it meant Steve stayed alive. If he died, it wouldn't be in vain. Steve went ahead of him and just as he was about to jump to the next train car the doors slammed shut and he was being shot at. He couldn't see Steve anymore, but for now, he took the time to worry about himself and fight off the guys trying to kill him. Steve was superhuman, he reasoned, he could take care of himself now.

But Bucky wasn't a superhuman and he was out of ammo and still being shot at. And just as he was about to panic, Steve opens the door and tosses him his gun. A simple gesture and Bucky knows exactly what to do. Steve ran in front of Bucky to get the guy out in the open and Bucky shoots him. He would never get used to Steve being the big guy who goes first, even after more than two years of fighting together.

“I had him on the ropes,” he said.

“I know you did,” Steve said and then he shoved Bucky down behind him and they were hit full force with a tesseract powered blast.

Steve was thrown to the side and the wall to the train car blown out. Bucky took advantage of Steve’s shield and picked up and fired at the giant robot shooting at them. Unfortunately, a pistol was no match for Hydra technology and Bucky was thrown back and out of the train. For a second he thought he was a goner, but he was able to grab onto a handle and hold onto the wall handing off the train. He couldn't hear anything over the wind in his ears, but he could see Steve coming out to help him. He started swinging closer and he reached out for Steve. But then the handle broke and Bucky couldn't help but scream. As he fell all he could think was that he failed Steve and never got to tell him he loved him, and then it was black.

 

**1995**

 

The Asset was woken up from Cryo to end peace agreements in Israel. On November 4th he successfully assassinated the Prime Minister of Israel and pinned it on an easy target who didn't fight the accusation because he wanted it to happen anyway. The Asset completed his mission sooner than expected, so he took refuge in a safe house in a village outside of Tel Aviv. He ate at exactly five o’clock and sat on the couch intending to wait for the pickup time tomorrow and do nothing in between.

The Asset didn't have wants or desires or feelings and he certainly didn't have any impulses to disobey orders. His only orders were to kill the Prime Minister, frame someone else, and be prepared to be picked up the next day. Turning on the TV wasn't an order, but he wasn't necessarily told not to. Some little part of him was screaming at him to do something about the numbness he felt and turn the damn TV on despite knowing being empty was good and that weapons don't have emotions and don't need to be entertained.

But he turned it on anyway; to gain intel on the local people by seeing the things they watch, of course. It turned on to an English news channel. For a few seconds, he didn't know what they were saying, but he caught up and listened to a newscaster’s report on the 50th anniversary of the day Captain America crashed in the Arctic and was declared dead, only to be found sometime later. The man on the TV was talking about the heroic achievements of this Captain America. On the screen behind the newscaster was a portrait photo of the man he deduced was Captain America. He was a good-looking, big, and blond soldier with a serious expression and something about him made his chest ache. He was familiar in a way he didn't understand or remember. As he was studying the screen trying to figure out who it was, it cut to a different photo, now of a group of people. In this photo, Captain America stood with a group of men around him, though one stood out to the Asset. A man stood next to Captain America with his arm slung around his shoulders and a smile on his face. His hair was short and brown and slicked to the side. His jaw was squared and around his neck hung his dog tags and a Star of David. His smile didn't reach his eyes. Bucky felt some sort of familiarity to this man on the TV and it stirred something deep inside him that made him uncomfortable so he turned off the TV.

He realized he had come to sit with his face just a foot or two from the television and in the black of the screen he could see his reflection. He saw the same eyes, the same nose, the same mouth, the same face as the man on the TV screen. But that was not him, the Soldier thought, that was a man on the screen and he was a weapon, a robot. A Thing.

Two days later, in an underground Hydra base, the Asset sat in a chair and was poked by doctors or scientists. He thought about the men on the TV and wondered who they were even though he wasn't supposed to have thoughts of his own, just commands put in his head by his commanders. The Commander walked in and the Asset looked up at him, but the Commander did not look back. “Wipe him clean,” he said. He closed the file folder in his hand and the Asset caught a glimpse at a photo of the safehouse he stayed at in Israel before the folder was closed.

“Wait-”

“And put him back in the freezer!” the Commander shouted over him and that was the end of the discussion.

 

**2014**

 

After killing Nicholas Fury, the Asset was tasked with taking down those who know about Project Insight. He wasn't told what the project was, only that no one who knew about it would live. He found his four targets in one car, conveniently, and the nonsuperpowered one was taken out immediately. That left the Captain, Black Widow, and the Falcon to be killed. They were able to avoid his bullets, but not the military truck behind them and they were all scattered. It was nothing the Asset couldn't handle.

They put up a good fight though, and it was dragged out much longer than he wanted it to, even with men supporting his mission. They were drawing huge amounts of public attention and interference was likely. He adjusted his plan and moved forward. Take out interference, then eliminate the Black Widow, then Falcon, then the Captain. People screamed and ran around him as he walked with confidence toward the car he heard her behind. He was confused when she did not come out from her cover when the small bomb got to her, but it exploded violently and for a second she thought she was dead. Then she came up and got on top of his shoulders. She tied his arm up and as soon as he broke from that he shocked his metal arm and rendered it immobile. She ran and he pulled the disk off his arm and moved forward. When she screeched he knew he landed a shot. Though this time he knew to make sure she was dead.

When he was about to make the final shot, the Captain came out from his cover. He easily blocked a hit from his shield and kicked him away. The shots from multiple different guns were blocked by his seemingly indestructible shield so he changed tactics. He let the Captain get closer to him and fought him by hand. He was skilled, but the Asset was stronger and was able to disarm the Captain. He flung the shield full force at the Captain and he missed, but it was lodged in the back of a van where the Captain couldn't get it out without making himself vulnerable. With the Captain having nothing, the Asset pulled a simple, but deadly knife on the Captain. Again they fought and now the Asset realized he previously misjudged the skill of his opponent. He stumbled back when he was hit and opened himself up to two more blows before regaining his sense and fighting back.

He was getting tired of the Captain's theatrics and grabbed him by the throat. The metal hand could have effortlessly crushed his throat, but he chose to throw him back and finish him in a way more fitting for an opponent like him. He paid for that choice though, as the Captain still had some fight in him. He pulled his knife again but failed to cut him the way he wanted. He was knocked back and this allowed the Captain to get the shield back. He went back and forth with the Captain until his mask was ripped from his face. When he stood again to face the Captain, he did not try to engage in a fight. The Asset stood and stared for a moment, thinking something went wrong with the Captain. “Bucky?” he said and again did not try to fight him.

“Who the hell is Bucky?” The Asset said and with the Captain disabled, he pulled his pistol to take the last shot. And then he was knocked to the side by the Falcon coming out of the sky. For a second, there was a great pain in his head and something screaming at him to stop fighting. The feeling was gone as soon as it came though, and he lifted the pistol again. This time he was shot at with an explosive and was sent flying back. He couldn't hear anything except a high pitch ringing, and then he saw a military truck stopped by him and he managed to get inside. All he could register for now was that he failed his mission.

In his facility, some doctors were fixing the damage the fight caused his metal arm. He couldn't stop thinking about what the Captain had called him though. Odd images flashed through his head. A man falling, being dragged away, blood, surgery, a doctor talking to him, seeing the arm for the first time, killing a doctor with the arm. He remembered that he didn't like the metal arm and he suddenly came back to himself, knocking away the man poking and prodding at the machine. And then every gun in the room was pointed at him and the Commander walked in. He didn't actually see him, but he knew he walked in because the number of people in rooms only doubled when the Commander walked in. He thought about the blond man he fought on the street and he seemed so familiar but he didn't know where he had ever seen him.

“Mission report,” the Commander said. A pause. “Mission report, now.” The Commander now walked closer and bent down to eye level. The Asset didn't look at him though. And then he was slapped and he was confused because he wasn't supposed to have thoughts of his own and he wasn't supposed to be defiant. But the voice that was screaming at him before was screaming again now and telling him to think! Think like everyone around you! Be defiant! It was confusing because he was a machine, not a person like the men around him but it was also nice to recognize something in his head that wasn't an order, even if he didn't know what it was or how to deal with it.

“That man on the bridge,” he started slowly, “who was he?”

“You met him earlier this week on another assignment.”

Something told him that wasn't true, there was something else he wasn't being told. “I knew him.”

The Commander sighed and sat down in front of him. “Your work has been a gift to mankind. You shaped the century. But I need you to do it one more time. Society’s at a tipping point between order and chaos. Tomorrow morning we’re going to give it a push. But you don't do your part, I can't do mine. And Hydra can't give the world the freedom it deserves.”

“But I knew him.” The Asset had been stuck on that one detail. There was something else. Maybe he hadn't always been a machine, maybe he’d been a person once. Maybe that man on the bridge knew him from when he was a person. Maybe he was called Bucky and not the Asset. All these doubts in his head swirled and he tried to remember anything from before this life with Hydra.

The Commander sighed like he was disappointed at a brand new toy that had broken. He stood up and began to walk away. “Prep him.” He didn't like those words. That meant he had to go back in the freezer like a piece of meat until they needed him again. He knew he was just a machine to them but at the very least he knew he was valuable.

“He’s been out of cryofreeze too long,” a doctor said.

“Then wipe him and start over,” the Commander said.

The Asset looked around and the doctors did as they were told. He hated when he had to do this. He never remembered anything except the major things like he was a weapon for Hydra, his fighting skills, languages. But never any details about things he’s done in the past. And he remembered that it hurt a lot. There was still a little defiance in him though and he thought about that man on the bridge until he blacked out.

And then the Asset was going through the motions of another fight. He was dropped in a military base and took out all their planes and neutralized the ground soldiers. He stole the last plane to get to his final mission. He fought with the Falcon and found him easy to take down. He saw the parachute deploy so he knew he wasn't dead, but there was nothing he could do on the ground when he and the final target were thousands of feet in the air.

He met the target at the core of the air carrier. The target wasn't given a title, he was just told he was dangerous and not to be underestimated.

“People are gonna die, Buck,” the man said, “I can't let that happen.” The Asset only stared at the man. He was ordered not to speak to him, so he didn't.

“Please don't make me do this,” the man said. He looked to be in pain, but there were no visible wounds the Asset could see. He did not react to the target’s words. He was told he would tell him lies and try to derail him from his mission and he was not to let that happen.

The man’s face hardened when he received no response and he threw the shield at him. The Asset blocked it with ease. He shot at the man but none landed and he was kicked back. The man still seemed hesitant to fight and instead ran for the core and not to him. The Asset was not to let the man ruin the system, so he ran up back to him to get him away. The man wasn't really fighting him, just pushing him away for long enough to get keys out of the core. The Asset didn't understand this, but changed tactics, trying to move the fight away from the core so he could finish his mission. He slammed himself into the man and sent them both flying off the platform and onto the one below. The man was fighting hard to keep the key he had, so the Asset decided he needed to put it back where it came from. He couldn't fail this mission.

His best option was to disarm the target because he used the shield as a weapon and to protect himself. When he got that away from him we went for hand to hand combat and was able to stab the target in the shoulder, though he was headbutted until he was thrown off and once he was back up it seemed like the knife didn't affect him much at all. He was told this man was superpowered, but he would have to accommodate for it again. He grabbed at the key but while he was focused on that, the target attacked from behind and lifted him by the throat. He was thrown down and the target was wrapping himself around him like a squid, shouting at him to drop the key. He tried to get the arm around his neck off, but the target was stronger than him and he was forced to drop the key when his vision became spotty. The target did not try to kill him though, just took the key and ran. Again, this confused the Asset. He found himself unable to move for a few moments. He needed to process this as it was unexpected and he needed a new plan.

He didn't have time to climb up to the platform the target was on and instead he stood and shot at him carefully. He hit him in the leg and then the man was out of range. So he moved and shot the target in the stomach and he fell. He thought he had completed his mission so he began to walk away and planned to leave the air carrier when he heard explosions and realized the carrier was being shot at. He tried to run, but the structure support collapsed on him and he let out a cry of pain even though he wasn't supposed to show signs of pain.

He tried to get out when he saw the target approach, very much alive. Though instead of trying to kill him, he saved him and lifted the structure just enough for him to escape. “You know me,” the target said and looked at him like he was trying to tell him something more.

“No, I don't!” The Asset shouted and swung at this man. He should have prepared himself better for the things he would say.

The man didn't try to hit him back. “Bucky,” he said, “you’ve known me your whole life.”

The Asset yelled and hit him again. That name stirred something in him and he didn't like it. It was wrong for a machine to have feelings like this.

“Your name is James Buchannan Barnes.”

“Shut up!” He swung at him again because he didn't want to deal with the things in his head that told him this man was right when the people he was surrounded with told him it was all a lie.

The man took his mask off and the Asset looked at his face. Something pulled at him, told him to give up and stop fighting, this has gone on for too long. “I’m not gonna fight you.” He dropped the shield and fell through a window that had been blown out. “You're my friend.”

For a second he wasn't going to fight the man, but then the feelings became scary and uncomfortable and he lunged at him. “You're my mission,” he snarled and beat him over and over and over again. “You’re my mission!” he screamed and punched him between each syllable. He raised his arm one last time, and then the man spoke.

“Then finish it,” he said, “‘cause I’m with you ‘til the end of the line.”

And then he woke up. He saw flashes of different scenes and this man was in every single one of them. They were smiling and laughing. In some they were fighting, but not each other, they fought alongside one another. He remembered that he had a life before he was turned into a killing machine for a terrorist organization. He lowered his arm, but then a part of the air carrier broke off and took out the floor beneath the man and he fell through the sky and into the water below.

He sat there and watched for a moment, but a voice in his head told him he had to go after the man. It was a kinder voice than the one he could remember screaming at him in the past. It was a voice that told him he needed to rescue that man. That he loved him and he didn't want to lose that. He didn't know what love was, but something told him that meant something and the man he loved just fell out of the sky and he needed to save him.

He dove into the water after him and grabbed him by a strap on his suit. He swam up and then dragged him onto the dirt and dropped him down. He looked at him for a long time but couldn't figure out his name. It was okay, he had time to figure it out as well as other things about his life and this man's life too. He wasn't going back to Hydra, he knew they were bad now and made him kill people he used to know.

He left the man lying there knowing one of his superpowered friends would find him. He walked through a wooded area near the river and worked on coming up with a plan for his future.

 

**2016**

 

Bucky was trying his hardest to live a normal life now that he had broken free from Hydra. He moved around a lot before settling in Romania. He stayed in the capital city because the high population would make it harder to find him among the crowd, and less likely for anyone to come to get him with so many people around because he wasn't going to go back very easily. He had lived in several countries across Europe and Asia but found himself most comfortable in Romania and knew Hydra had the least amount of ties in the country. The rational part of his brain told him that Hydra was uncovered and destroyed but he was still paranoid that somewhere they were rebuilding and looking for him.

But he still didn't totally know who he was. He knew his name was James Barnes but everyone used to call him Bucky. He remembered Steve’s name and that he used to love him. He got some memories back from being the Asset, or the Winter Soldier as others called him. A few from when he was Bucky, but not very many. He didn't know how to get them back. No amount of reading about himself or reading about Steve made him remember anything else. He wasn't very happy with his life, but he did his best to get by and live like a relatively normal person.

As time went on he remembered more of who he was, but some of the specifics escaped him. He kept a journal to write everything down in. Steve was in a lot of his memories, and it brought a smile to his face whenever he woke up with another memory of Steve. But Bucky knew he couldn't try to find him, it was too risky and he wasn't even sure if Steve would want to see him. And he wanted to know more if he were to go see him anyway. He wasn't sure if he still loved Steve. The old Bucky loved him, but there was no doubt that he wasn't the same person he was before and if he was even capable of love anymore. Hydra took so much from him but he couldn't figure out how to take it all back yet. He was trying his best.

And then it all got messed up. He got to see Steve but under undesirable circumstances. He was arrested for a crime he didn't commit and then turned into the Winter Soldier again. He didn't remember it when he woke up, but ironically it took turning back into a monster to remember more of his old life. More of it was coming back to him. He knew about the other Winter Soldiers and more of his childhood and more about Steve. It made something ache in him.

And then he had to fight again, which he hated doing now. It seemed that was still all her ever did. Fight and fight. And he was dragging others into his fight now to and he didn't deserve all this but Steve didn't seem keen on giving up on him. It gave him a little hope for the future. They almost got away without another fight too, but that was ruined when Tony Stark found out Bucky killed his parents. It wasn't him but it didn't matter; there was a fight anyway and Bucky was tired of fighting. The guilt weighed on him the whole time; for killing this man’s parents and because it was his fight and Steve got dragged into it. He had to finish it for him too because his arm got blown off and he was in too much of a shock to do anything else. But Steve finished it and helped Bucky get out. They didn't have a plan, but they had each other and that was good enough for Bucky.

He panicked when he saw King T’Challa and thought he was still trying to kill him. Steve came to his defense but he was shut down by the king who said he was not interested in revenge anymore. He had Zemo with him and it took all Bucky had not to throw up at the sight of him. So he passed out instead because that was all he could think to do.

He woke up in a lab where he was surrounded by doctors. He didn't panic though, these people looked kind, they had an aura of friendliness about them. The room was brightly lit and he could see everyone and everything in the room. With Hydra, the doctors didn't care about him, just keeping him in working order, seeing how far they could push him, and making his arm more deadly. It was dark there, he never really got to see their faces. The exposed part of his arm was covered up and he found that all his physical injuries didn't hurt and upon further inspection, he saw they were all gone.

Steve was standing outside the door and had seen him moving and came in the room. He was followed by the king and his sister who was introduced to him as Shuri, the head of the royal science and technology development and design team.

“I hear you have some gunk in your head,” was the first think Shuri said to him.

Bucky snorted because he wasn't really expecting that and it was nice to hear someone talk to him without walking on eggshells. “You could say that.”

She nodded and for a while, they discussed what they could do about him. They didn't know how to fix him yet, but he was granted special asylum and allowed to stay until they figured it out. He didn't want to fight and he didn't want to hurt anyone anymore. He was the one to suggest they freeze him. It would be on his terms now and he wasn't so scared of it because he knew he would come out and have nothing tying him to Hydra anymore.

Shuri agreed that it was a good idea. They did some more tests on him and made sure he was stable and then built a chamber for him. It didn't take very long. He was amazed by all they had and when he wasn’t talking to Steve or T’Challa or Shuri he was asking about all the machines and computers in the lab. He was in Wakanda for five days and then he was put under cryofreeze until they knew enough about what was in his head and how to fix him.

 

**2018**

 

Bucky emerged from Wakanda’s cryofreeze later than he expected. He became good friends with the king’s sister, Shuri. She ran some tests and experiments on him to make sure he was stable and functional. She made fun of him when he asked questions about all the equipment she had but he always found technology amazing and wanted to know all about it. He thought she was cool and found her easy to talk to. At first, Shuri gave him a place to stay in the castle. It was quiet and allowed him easy access to any resources he needed, but it was lonely. T’Challa was busy running the country and Shuri was busy running the science division. Everyone in the castle was high ranking and had jobs more important than him, which he understood, but that didn't make it any less lonely and admittedly boring. There wasn't much for him to do. He couldn't exactly work because he didn't know how to do any jobs in the castle and was a bit useless with normal, modern jobs. It was a sad revelation that all Bucky knew was fighting.

He asked to be moved somewhere else, and at first, Shuri was hesitant to let him go. She explained Wakanda didn't open its borders to anyone, no matter what and the people may not be so receptive to a refugee moving into the city. The king made a special exception for Bucky but that he could only do so much. A few days later, when he thought he would have to stay, Shuri gave him another option. She asked if he would be willing to move to the outskirts of Wakanda, with the self-sufficient people that didn't necessarily belong to any tribe. They would have no reason to protest his being there and would likely welcome him with open arms.

Bucky accepted, of course, and a few days later he was flown out near the border. He was introduced to some of the locals and he didn't speak the language, but they still tried to help him. He built a little home for himself and they taught him how to make the traditional clothing for himself. They showed him how to grow and catch his own food as well. He stayed mostly isolated once he could fend for himself, but the local kids had become attached to him while he was being taught how to live. They came and ambushed him most mornings and had lovingly given him the nickname White Wolf. He thought it was cute and being around the kids was a highlight of his day. He went back to the castle once a month so Shuri could make sure he was okay and so he could talk to Steve. He spoke with him on a giant screen in Shuri’s lab and it was always something he looked forward to. Steve couldn't tell him where he was but he told him about what he and Sam and Natasha were up to. He told Steve he wished he was there with them but Steve said he was better off in Wakanda and he trusted that.

T’Challa was a busy man, so when Bucky saw him coming with three of his warriors he knew it couldn't be anything good. When one opened up a fancy looking box and he saw a new arm inside, he sighed. He was grateful for the months of peace he had, but he really didn't want to give it up. “Where’s the fight?”

“It's coming,” T’Challa said. He looked sympathetic and as if maybe if Bucky asked to sit this one out he would let him, but Bucky wouldn't do that. Maybe he was just one fighter, but he had decades of skill under his belt and he couldn't live with himself if he didn't try. He went back up to the castle so the arm could be attached and get changed into better gear and what they knew of the situation was explained to him on the way there.

He tried to be positive about it. Steve had told him during their calls about all the times they saved the world, this time should be no different. It should be easy. And he was happy to be seeing Steve again. He smiled when he saw everyone come off the plane. “A semi-stable 100-year-old man,” Bucky said when T’Challa told Steve who he had gathered to fight. He hugged Steve and couldn't wipe the grin off his face as he hadn't really seen Steve in a long time.

Steve was smiling at him too. “How’re you doing, Buck?”

“Not bad,” he said, “for the end of the world.”

Steve disappeared for a little while to talk with the king and Bucky was introduced to the members of the team he hadn't met before. He was left alone for a while so everyone could make battle plans and discuss the situation but they came back soon enough. Steve wanted everyone ready as soon as possible because they couldn't predict when the enemy would arrive. As they traveled to the battleground, Bucky had a chance to finally talk to Steve.

“How serious do you think this is?”

“I don't know,” Steve said. “Bruce saw their leader, Thanos, and now the Hulk is broken. Fighting off two of his higher beings was tough and they ended up escaping. But it's not so bleak. We have a plan and an army. We’ve done this before.”

“You’ve don't this before,” he said.

“You’ll be fine.”

“I hope,” Bucky sighed and shook his head. “Everything is so different now.”

“I know,” Steve said, “but it’s not all bad.”

Bucky just nodded. He thought he missed the past more than Steve did, he thought things were better back then, simpler. He wouldn't want to go back, but he missed the good times.

“Have you ever thought of not fighting anymore?”

“What?”

“All you ever do is fight, ever since you got that serum,” Bucky explained. “Do you ever wish you could have a regular life?”

“I gave up that wish when I got the serum. It's my responsibility to fight for anyone who can't, that's what I agreed to. Sure, I’ve thought about it, but there's just too much that has to be done.”

Bucky nodded, he understood that. Steve’s the kind of person that would fight until he died. It's what he loved about him, but also resented to an extent. Steve was a leader and a warrior now, not a little guy fighting bullies in the street. It was better then, when Bucky could come in and rescue Steve, he missed it. He wasn't the big guy anymore and now Steve wasn't someone who could give up the good fight to settle down with his best friend. It made him regret not doing something about his feelings back then. Not that he could, he’d have been killed or they both could have been killed. But still, he wished it was different.

“Maybe one day, but for now my job is to protect the Earth and the people on it.”

“That's very noble of you.”

Steve chuckled, “I guess it is.”

They talked for a short time longer but then it was time to get ready for battle. It didn't take long for him to lose Steve once it started. Bucky thought he was in way over his head with just a gun and an arm but he made it work, even tried to kill Thanos with his little weapons, but he was easily thrown to the side. He watched, horrified, as Steve tried to take him on and for a second he thought he would do something major, but like him, Steve was knocked to the ground and couldn't do anything more. Natasha made it over and they started on another plan to regroup and attack again, but it was too late.

There was a booming noise and then silence. Bucky had this odd feeling, the feeling of pins and needles except over his whole body. He wanted to ask Steve what was going on and why no one was fighting any more, but he couldn't form the words. The feeling became more intense and he stumbled forward. “Steve?” he called, and he hoped he didn't look too scared because he didn't want Steve to see that. He stepped forward but found himself falling, and he never hit the ground.

 

**2023**

 

Bucky had thought about not going to the funeral, mostly because the last time he saw Tony Stark they were trying to kill each other. But he decided to go anyway because this wasn't about him and he had forgiven Stark and understood why he did what he did. He could only hope Stark had forgiven and understood him too.

It was a while later he was back in the same spot on Tony’s property, but with Steve instead. A smaller version of the time machine the team used to find the stones was recreated in the backyard when Bruce Banner found the blueprints shortly after Tony’s funeral. Steve had explained to Bucky that the stones they had needed to be returned to the past to avoid the collapse of timelines or whatever. Bucky hadn't really understood the whole thing, just that Steve had to go to the past again. Bruce and Sam were inside looking over the finalized plans and equipment to make sure nothing would go wrong. Steve and Bucky sat on a bench some distance from the machine, overlooking the river. It was the first time he was alone with Steve and able to talk with him since he came back.

“I won't be gone for that long, you know,” Steve said. “It’ll be just a few seconds for you.”

“What about you? How long will it be for you?”

“As long as it takes to get all the stones back to where they belong.”

Bucky nodded. Times were different than they were all those years ago. Maybe he could talk to Steve about everything. He had a lot of free time to think when he was in Wakanda and met a lot of different kinds of people when he was there. It couldn't hurt to talk to him, take another step in his life after Hydra.

“I think I’m all done after this.”

“What?”

“I’m all done being Captain America,” Steve said. “I’ve been fighting for my entire life, even before the serum. And it feels like all I’ve been since the serum is a soldier, not a person. I think it's time I retired.”

Bucky could relate to that. “Yeah, I understand that. I’m not fighting in any more wars after this.”

Steve smiled at him and sighed. “I don't want Captain America to die though.”

“What does that mean?”

“Maybe I won't be Captain America, but someone else can be,” he said and looked over at Bucky. “I’m going to give it to Sam.”

Bucky nodded. “Sam is perfect.”

“I was going to ask you, but you deserve to retire too,” he said and patted his back. “You’ve been through more than me.”

“Yeah, I’m not exactly jumping at the chance to fight again. Thank you though.”

Steve nodded and it was quiet again for a little bit.

“Hey, we can go back to Brooklyn,” Bucky said. “Like the old times.”

Steve looked down at his hands and his smile fell a little. “Yeah, maybe.”

Bucky was going to ask if something was wrong, but Bruce yelled over to them that everything was ready. Steve stood up and Bucky followed. “When I get back,” Steve said, “I’ll be right here.”

Bucky didn't have a chance to ask what that meant, Steve started walking ahead and all Bucky could do was go with him.

Bucky stood as Steve went over the plan with Bruce and then talked to Sam for a short time. He came up to him last, and Bucky couldn't force himself to smile, but Steve was grinning at him. “Don't do anything stupid ‘til I get back.”

And that pulled a smile out of him. “How can I? You're taking all the stupid with you.”

Steve hugged him quickly and then looked at him seriously. He knew what Steve was going to do, he knew Steve better than anyone. The way Steve talked like he was never going to see him again. He wanted to beg him not to go, to let someone else do it because he wanted Steve to stay here with him so they could go back to Brooklyn and pretend to be normal. He wanted Steve to help him remember who he was. Steve pulled him from decades of brainwashing and yet he didn't love him the way Bucky did. He couldn't make Steve love him. Steve was the only one who knew Bucky from before, the only one who could help him go back to that.

‘ _I love you! I have since the thirties!’_ He wanted to shout, but he still found that he couldn't. He knew it was too late. And he cursed his God for making him fall in love with a man who would never love him back. Maybe he didn't love Steve the same way he did before, but he wanted to. He just wanted to go back to life before and pretend nothing with Hydra ever happened. He didn't want to live in the forties again, because he realized now everything now was much kinder, more understanding, he just wanted to go back to what they had back then. Maybe more if he could. He couldn't say anything he wanted to though, and instead left it at “I’m gonna miss you.”

“It'll be okay, Buck,” Steve said. Bucky grinned but didn't agree.

Steve stepped into the machine and with the push of a few buttons, Steve was gone. Some more buttons and Steve wasn’t back.

“Where is he?” he heard Sam say.

“I don't know! He blew right by his checkpoint.”

“Get him back.”

“Alright, I’m-”

“Get him the hell back!”

But Bucky wasn't panicking. He turned and there in the distance, he saw a man sitting on the bench he and Steve were on just a few minutes ago.

“Sam.”

“What?” Sam turned, and Bucky knew he saw him too.

They both stood next to each other for a second. “Go ahead,” Bucky said. Sam looked at him and he saw the doubt, but he nodded him alone and Sam walked over to the man on the bench.

Bucky watched the two of them talk and a pain grew in his chest until he almost felt like he couldn't stand anymore. It was loss and guilt and anger and betrayal and mourning and longing and regret. Everything he wished didn't happen, happened. He knew Steve was going to stay in the past, but seeing that he was right and that Steve went and lived a normal life and forgot all about him hurt in a different way that he didn't know how to handle.

He had to pull himself together when he saw Sam coming back over to him. “I’m Captain America,” Sam said, and Bucky smiled because he was genuinely happy for his friend.

“I’m happy for you, man. You deserve it.” And then he saw that Steve had turned to look at him, seemingly to get him to come over now. Everything inside him finally broke and he couldn't hold decades of repressed feeling inside anymore. Tears welled up in his eyes and he had to look away from Steve, who he saw looked concerned but didn't move from the bench.

“Are you alright? Bucky?”

“I love him, Sam. I'm in love with him.” It felt good to get that off his chest. “Since the nineteen fucking thirties.”

Sam very obviously wasn't expecting him to say that, but he put the shield down and put his hand on his back. “I’m sorry Bucky.”

“Everything I did, I did for him,” he said. “And he goes and lives his life in the past like it’s nothing. Like we didn't mean anything to him.”

“Bucky…”

“I’m not the same, I know that. But I want to be and Steve is the only one who could have helped me with that. I just want to be the guy I was back then. I pinned everything on him. I don't have anything anymore.”

“That's not true, you got me and Nat, and Steve isn't dead. You can-”

Bucky shook his head and then he saw that Steve had gotten up and started coming toward them. Bucky couldn't see him, not now, so he turned around and started walking away. Sam called after him, but he ignored it. He didn't know where he was going, but he wanted to be anywhere but here.

 

**2024**

**(or, an epilogue)**

 

After being brought back from the dead, and then immediately thrown back into battle, winning the battle, attending some funerals, mourning, a long bout of depression, watching the world settle back to normal, finally talking to Steve again, telling him the truth, and processing the rush of other events that happened in a short amount of time, Bucky had decided to try to move on and start a real road to recovery, for himself and not anyone else. It took a lot of time to build up to, but he realized if he put the past behind him, he could build something new. Something better and do all the things he wasn't able to in the past. Shuri had offered to let Bucky go back to Wakanda in his spot in the countryside, but after thinking about it for a while and talking it over with Sam and Natasha, he decided not to. Instead, he chose to retire to Brooklyn like he planned to do with Steve, only by himself now. He traded the quiet and serene fields of Wakanda for the familiarity of New York City.

When he first arrived, the difference from the 30s and 40s was jarring. He knew it would be different, but he still felt a pang of sorrow when he went to the address of his old apartment building and it wasn't there anymore. Sam helped him find a place (and the government paid for it plus a retirement paycheck every month, reparations and all that) and he was good to go. He found something new to do or discover every day. He talked to Sam often, but sometimes had to go periods of time without speaking because he was out being Captain America, but it was okay because when he came back he always brought homemade cookies. He lived alone, but his friends were nearby, he even made some new friends who were ordinary and didn't care about his past (not that he went into detail). He was recovering; he saw a therapist every two weeks, he kept himself busy, talked to people and felt a little less heavy every day.

After two or three months of living in New York again, he was stepping out of the shower and took a good look at himself in the mirror. He looked healthy, he made sure to stay in shape, but he had the nagging feeling like something was wrong and now he figured out what it was. As minor of a thing it may have been, his hair was wrong. It was something he wasn't allowed to control for so long and he hadn't really thought about it once he escaped Hydra because he usually had more pressing matters to worry about. But now that he was free, he could make all his own decisions again. It was a little choice that made him feel more in control of his life. The long hair wasn't him, so he went and got the scissors and took one more step towards being a person again. He was good at cutting his own hair, he couldn't exactly afford a barber back in the 40s, so he’s gotten good at cutting hair. He was glad he hadn't forgotten the skill.

When he finished, he felt lighter. He ran his fingers through his newly short hair and smiled to himself. It couldn't hurt to be nostalgic. Maybe he was building a new and better life, but there were some things that just wouldn't change.

It was a little step that was leading to a new chapter in Bucky’s recovery. The little things he did were meaningful and necessary, but only the first part of it. Everything he’s done since coming back all lead to the warm Saturday evening when Bucky stood in front of the Synagogue he attended before the war. He stood outside for a long time because he was scared he wouldn't be welcome back, or that he would be judged, and every other doubt that crossed his mind, but he knew he had to do this. He pushed the doors open and walked inside. It was just as gorgeous as he remembered. He was transfixed by the art and architecture that looked like it hadn't changed in eighty years that he almost didn't hear the other person inside.

“My goodness.”

Bucky turned to look down the aisle and saw an old man standing there. “Rabbi Galinski,” Bucky said and smiled bigger than he had in quite a while. He was worried he wouldn't be here anymore.

“James?” The Rabbi walked slowly, and Bucky met him halfway. He looked at Bucky like he wasn't real. “You look… so young. Like you did in 1940.”

“Yeah, it's me,” he said. “And I wouldn't say that, people just don't dress the way they used to. Including me.”

The man chuckled and shook his head. Bucky could see a tear in his eye. The man brought his hands up to Bucky’s cheeks and held his face as a grandfather would. The Rabbi was technically only a few years older than him but Bucky had always looked up to him. They were more like father and son back in the 30s and 40s despite the small age gap and Bucky had a deep respect and admiration since he had joined this Synagogue when he was twenty. The Rabbi was like an old soul back then, even more so now. “You always were funny,” he said and then sighed. “We had a service for you. When we found out what happened.”

Bucky smiled sadly. “I’m sure it was beautiful,” he said. “I didn't think I would see you here.”

“Ah, the Lord would not take me until I saw you again,” he said with a smile. “I will be 116 in two months. Technology and medicine is something else these days.”

“I’ll say. March was my 107th birthday, but my body is thirty-three.”

The Rabbi’s face turned somber. “Yes, it’s a strange life you’ve lived,” he said. “Come, I’m sure we have much to discuss.”

“Right behind you,” Bucky said as the Rabbi lead him to sit on one of the benches. Before he spoke, Bucky looked around again and sighed. He was home.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you liked!! be sure to leave kudos if you did and comment what you thought <3
> 
> find me on [tumblr](https://state-park.tumblr.com/)


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